12-14-12

My stomach is disfunctional, My tear ducts are in overdrive, My mind can't
dispel images it thinks it can see. I am profoundly saddened and yet...somewhere
in my inner core there is a dim light of hope in the midst of this overwhelming
darkness. Its light dims and still there is an effort - immense in its being - compelling
itself forward. Then it fades, only to reimerge and try again.

Deep within my being is a wish for healing - not so much for myself, but for those
at the center of the Newtown experience. I am only an observer from afar. I am
someone who has travelled through that landscape on the way to somewhere
else. The geography is in my soul. I once lived near when I was very young. So it
feels close in an unexpected way. Is it the horror or something more immediate?

Whatever occurred there, it is here with me where I live and experience my
being. I, with an unexpected reluctance, attended a holiday concert in which
my god daughter and her siblings participated. I was full of apprehension to
enter an auditorium for this performance. The image of horror from so many
mass shootings was too near. I feared for the children and those of us attending.
I had "nighmares" last night and almost did not attend.

Then I said to myself  - NO - I will not let our terrorists at home keep
me disengaged from being with those I love, trying to create a celebration
for the holidays that bring some much love and happyness to everyone.

Music could be my healer, well, one of them - it usually is. So I dared
myself forward into the night. Beauty gave its gift to me. A small step taken.

But I can not let go of my mind's images and the sadness I feel for all
those so traumaticly affected.

So I ponder, I am forced into prayer - hoping to give all I feel to God
and feel some comfort and a desire to move on with hope surrounded
by people whom I love and who love me.

Life is......oh well - perhaps I just need more time to sit in the muddle.



R